The Ex Factor

The hardest part about breaking up, of course, is the inevitability that the other person will find someone else. And what makes breaking up in this world even HARDER is that we have so many ways to find out about the other. In particular, we have Facebook. I'm beginning to think that Facebook really was created to make me a crazy crazy person. For the first first weeks, okay, months after a breakup I tend to casually peruse my ex's Facebook page at least once a day. Back in the day, we did the old drive by kind of thing. Now I have access to his page 24/7. Yea. That means I look at it any old time. For instance, I look at it right before I'm about to start grading or doing some sort of work that I really really need to do. And then I get totally side-tracked trying to figure out who the new girl is that my ex has met and who has written something semi-flirtatious on his wall. (Is it even really all that flirtatious? Probably not, but it is in my awesome mind) Even as I write this I realize how ridiculous it is. At least I can take comfort in the knowledge that no one reads this blog.

What's even more ridiculous is that I went out this week and a guy asked for my number and I gave it to him. I was excited about this! So, it's a double standard of course. I want to move on and I want you to be miserable...at least until I've moved on! It just doesn't seem to happen that way for me. Did I mention I have no idea who this girl is or what her relationship with my ex is? Oh, I didn't? Probably because I didn't want to admit just how crazy I feel about this. Did I also mention that I know that my ex is not the right guy for me? Of course I didn't. Well, he isn't. But I guess thinking about him being with someone else makes me feel inadequate. It isn't true, I know that. It doesn't make me feel any better right this second though.

What's making this harder is that I've put myself in the stupid position of being "the friend." We've broken up but we're still really close friends, we say. And we even hang out...alone. Am I fooling myself? This should probably be the wakeup call I've needed that says: Darling, I love you but you're deluding yourself. Even if you don't want to be with him anymore you really don't want to go through the heartbreak of him finding someone else and then be his FRIEND! A friend is supposed to be excited for and supportive of a new relationship...a an ex-girlfriend just isn't.

And I am not. I just am not. I've been happy for exes years down the road but not two months.

The truth, of course, lies somewhere I don't even know about. Is this the start of a burgeoning relationship? Maybe, maybe not. If it is, will it last? Usually not, but maybe yes. It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, right? I will find someone someday. He will find someone, someday. We all do, I suppose. But that doesn't mean that I don't deserve to go take a bath and cry now. So, I think I'll do that.

What a difference a year makes...or not.

Well well well...It's been awhile since I posted anything on this blog. Why? You ask...Well, I got myself in another relationship. I know I know! So much for my new year's resolution. In fact, I took a look over all of my resolutions from last December and, honestly, I haven't stuck to any of them.

But there is no point in dwelling in the past.

So, I'm here again, broken up but not quite sure why I'm broken-hearted. The one thing I can say is that this time I've really taken the time to sit with myself. I've done therapy, I've gone to a shamanic healer, I've started meditating...I'm pretty freakin' conscious! I've found through all this, not surprisingly, my heartache has so little to do with the guys I've dated and has so much to do with my family. My family whom I love so dearly.

So, I'm going to start over again with this blog thing. I want to really take this time for myself; figure out who I really am and what I really want in life. I'm going to do that while trying to maintain a hefty schedule of school (I've started PhD program) and also a bit of a social life. But my main priority now is actually on myself. I want to start enjoying time on my own. I know I've done it before but I've just forgotten how.

So, now that I've spilled my guts I'm off to face my other big challenge...grad school work.

If anyone out there is reading. Hello again. I'm back!