The Ex Factor

The hardest part about breaking up, of course, is the inevitability that the other person will find someone else. And what makes breaking up in this world even HARDER is that we have so many ways to find out about the other. In particular, we have Facebook. I'm beginning to think that Facebook really was created to make me a crazy crazy person. For the first first weeks, okay, months after a breakup I tend to casually peruse my ex's Facebook page at least once a day. Back in the day, we did the old drive by kind of thing. Now I have access to his page 24/7. Yea. That means I look at it any old time. For instance, I look at it right before I'm about to start grading or doing some sort of work that I really really need to do. And then I get totally side-tracked trying to figure out who the new girl is that my ex has met and who has written something semi-flirtatious on his wall. (Is it even really all that flirtatious? Probably not, but it is in my awesome mind) Even as I write this I realize how ridiculous it is. At least I can take comfort in the knowledge that no one reads this blog.

What's even more ridiculous is that I went out this week and a guy asked for my number and I gave it to him. I was excited about this! So, it's a double standard of course. I want to move on and I want you to be miserable...at least until I've moved on! It just doesn't seem to happen that way for me. Did I mention I have no idea who this girl is or what her relationship with my ex is? Oh, I didn't? Probably because I didn't want to admit just how crazy I feel about this. Did I also mention that I know that my ex is not the right guy for me? Of course I didn't. Well, he isn't. But I guess thinking about him being with someone else makes me feel inadequate. It isn't true, I know that. It doesn't make me feel any better right this second though.

What's making this harder is that I've put myself in the stupid position of being "the friend." We've broken up but we're still really close friends, we say. And we even hang out...alone. Am I fooling myself? This should probably be the wakeup call I've needed that says: Darling, I love you but you're deluding yourself. Even if you don't want to be with him anymore you really don't want to go through the heartbreak of him finding someone else and then be his FRIEND! A friend is supposed to be excited for and supportive of a new relationship...a an ex-girlfriend just isn't.

And I am not. I just am not. I've been happy for exes years down the road but not two months.

The truth, of course, lies somewhere I don't even know about. Is this the start of a burgeoning relationship? Maybe, maybe not. If it is, will it last? Usually not, but maybe yes. It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, right? I will find someone someday. He will find someone, someday. We all do, I suppose. But that doesn't mean that I don't deserve to go take a bath and cry now. So, I think I'll do that.

What a difference a year makes...or not.

Well well well...It's been awhile since I posted anything on this blog. Why? You ask...Well, I got myself in another relationship. I know I know! So much for my new year's resolution. In fact, I took a look over all of my resolutions from last December and, honestly, I haven't stuck to any of them.

But there is no point in dwelling in the past.

So, I'm here again, broken up but not quite sure why I'm broken-hearted. The one thing I can say is that this time I've really taken the time to sit with myself. I've done therapy, I've gone to a shamanic healer, I've started meditating...I'm pretty freakin' conscious! I've found through all this, not surprisingly, my heartache has so little to do with the guys I've dated and has so much to do with my family. My family whom I love so dearly.

So, I'm going to start over again with this blog thing. I want to really take this time for myself; figure out who I really am and what I really want in life. I'm going to do that while trying to maintain a hefty schedule of school (I've started PhD program) and also a bit of a social life. But my main priority now is actually on myself. I want to start enjoying time on my own. I know I've done it before but I've just forgotten how.

So, now that I've spilled my guts I'm off to face my other big challenge...grad school work.

If anyone out there is reading. Hello again. I'm back!

Om. Shanti. Peace

I did yoga with my good friend a couple of nights ago. It was a very unofficial class setup in a community center. Just a room and six women sharing a couple of hours of yoga. Admittedly I've gotten REALLY out of shape and hadn't done yoga in awhile, but it was still incredibly enjoyable.
But now, two days later, I'm still sore! That's a good thing I think. The soreness didn't come along until I went running yesterday. I don't mean to give the impression that I'm a fitness guru with all the fitness talk. I'm not. I wish I were. However, one of my resolutions was to make fitness a part of my life. So, I'm trying.

How long does a moment last?

As an introduction to me, it is important to know these few things:
I am an adjunct instructor at the University of Florida. I also coach the speech and debate team at UF and am in a little band. I generally love my life, my friends and my activities, but at times I find myself unsatisfied. I'm constantly looking for something new on the outside. It is my hope that this blog will provide me with something that comes from the inside. So, here's what's inside...

This year, I decided to make my New Year's Resolutions a month early. That way, I figure, there is a better chance that I'll actually commit to some of them. I'm in a transition period--it kind of feels like I've been in this period for awhile now--and that is where most of my resolutions come from. I'm not old but I'm getting to the point where I want to live a more adult lifestyle. So here's the list (I wrote this in an e-mail to some of my closest friends--pardon the lack of attention to detail):

1. be healthy...ie eat and exercise healthy shite
2. get involved in something outside of the university--i'm thinking political campaign
3. find new ways to be satisfied with speech and debate--devising plan with EW to have speech team recruiting at high school tournament
4. do something creative--dunno yet
5. enjoy saturdays completely--last saturday i went to micanopy and looked at antiques, then had the most delicious pizza. this was a good way to spend the day.
6. don't get too caught up in work to live life...i think that is the gist of the whole list
7. STOP DATING!!!

That last one is really the most important one. In April of this year, my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. I spend the summer crying and pondering why why why? Then, I started dating immediately. And there was no shortage of men! I told the universe I wanted a man, I wanted to feel desired, I wanted to feel wanted. The universe provided. The universe provided more than I could have imagined.

So, as more time has passed, I've realized that for the past seven years I have been in a relationship. Some have been good, others have been bad--but in all of them I gave up something in myself in order to be with the other person. I want to change that. I'm hoping that this blog will help me reclaim myself and my personality. I call it "A Moment's Freedom," because that's what I need: freedom. I'm taking this time, this moment, and hoping that someone out there reads this and somehow connects. I don't promise to write every day or even every week. I just need an outlet.


Until next time!